When You Lose Yourself Trying to Be Loved

You promise yourself you won’t let it happen again.
You’ll speak up next time, you’ll say no.

But when someone raises their voice, criticises your choice, or pushes past your comfort zone, your throat closes. Your body freezes. You tell yourself it’s easier to stay quiet than to risk being misunderstood or rejected.

And afterwards, you feel small, invisible, and tired of being the one who always absorbs the hurt.

I know that pain. Many of us learned early that love and approval were earned by being “good,” quiet, or accommodating. But what once protected us as children now costs us our peace as adults.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

In my therapy practice in London, I often meet people who know, logically, that they should set boundaries,  but something inside resists. That “something” is often fear.

Fear of losing connection. Fear of being judged. Fear of no longer being loved.
These fears are not weakness; they’re survival memories. Your body still remembers what it felt like to be ignored, criticised, or dismissed.

The Emotional Cost of No Boundaries

When you silence yourself to keep the peace, your nervous system pays the price.
Anxiety builds. You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you were too much or not enough.

Over time, this tension turns into exhaustion and shame. You may start to believe that your needs are a burden. That staying quiet is safer than being honest.
But silence is a slow form of self-abandonment, and it’s the opposite of love.

How to Begin Setting Boundaries

Healing starts when you honour the part of you that’s afraid and still choose to speak your truth.
Let’s explore the process I often share with clients: Awareness, Communication, Negotiation, and Implementation.

1. Awareness

If you aren’t aware that a boundary has been crossed, you can’t protect it.
You’ll feel it first in your body: a tightening in the chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

Notice those sensations; they are your inner compass saying, Something isn’t right.

2. Communication

Speaking up takes courage and vulnerability. You can’t control how the other person responds, but you can control how truthfully you show up.

It’s okay if your voice shakes. What matters is that you begin.
You might say, “When you raise your voice, I feel small and unsafe.”

This is not confrontation,  it’s self-connection.

3. Negotiation and Consequences

Boundaries are not walls; they’re invitations for mutual respect.
After communicating, state the consequence calmly:

“If this happens again, I’ll need to step away from the conversation.”

If the behaviour repeats, follow through. Not to punish, but to honour your truth. Each time you do, you teach your nervous system: I am safe to stand up for myself.

Healing the Fear Behind Boundaries

Many people who struggle with boundaries are not “weak”; they’re wounded.
Old experiences of rejection or criticism taught their bodies that safety means silence.

Through trauma-informed psychotherapy, you can learn to calm your nervous system, express your needs, and stay connected — without guilt or fear.
Over time, boundaries stop feeling like confrontation and start feeling like self-respect.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’re tired of feeling anxious, invisible, or responsible for keeping everyone happy, therapy can help you find your voice again.

I offer trauma-informed counselling for boundaries, anxiety, and self-worth in London (NW6) and online across the UK.
Together, we’ll create a space where you can speak, be heard, and finally feel safe being yourself.